Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I can also cook 😂
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
We’ve all been there
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.