Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon