date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
iPhone X
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.