Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.