Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”