oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Software Development ⛵️
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.