When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You Might Also Like
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls