MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Wait a second…
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
A roof is a house hat.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.