“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
President The Rock Obama
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that