What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
You Might Also Like
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.