If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”