I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?