If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?