I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
A woman drives into a bar.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Sorry. Not sorry
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is