My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
You Might Also Like
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
are they though??
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.