“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning