How about I get 100% off by already being there
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As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia