7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
You Might Also Like
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”