Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
She puts the hot in psychotic
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️