This is my pinned tweet
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
How I like cutting carbs
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals