“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
You Might Also Like
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.