You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”