Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Anyone want a chair?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.