[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?