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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*