[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit