The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs