When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
A small tragedy.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes