i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*weighs self after shaving
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.