*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Wedding planning is organized crime.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I have obtained a hat
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I told my vodka about you.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.