ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me