We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
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I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
A friend helps you before you need it
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.