[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The real reason evolution started..😂
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.