Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”