I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
You Might Also Like
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’m listening
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
had to share :’)
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.