I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You Might Also Like
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Wise advice
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars