I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Milk Cube
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!