Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
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Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists