[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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