I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
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Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.