I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that