[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.