every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
How to find Kentucky on a map
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.