I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Meow
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Bootstraps
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.