Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Nice try, NASA
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Miscakes
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you