Hard not to take this personally
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
rapatouille
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep