male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.