I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
my favorite genre of twitter
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Are you ok, human???
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there