Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning