Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.